Sometimes you have to step outside the person you’ve been and remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are.

she looked through me like i didn’t even exist. i mean, can’t she hate me? at least if she hates me, she still cares.

Jimmy was crying, and Keith was telling him: “it gets better. That pain in your heart, that voice in your head that tells you there’s no way out, it’s wrong. It gets better.” And I felt like he was talking to me. And in that moment, maybe the most heroic, kindest moment of my big brother’s life, I hated him. I hated him more than anyone or anything, because nothing had gotten better. That pain was still in my heart; that voice in my head saying that there’s no way out was right. And he was standing there, lying to me. and after Jimmy died, I picked up the gun and aimed it at Keith. And he looked at me, and all I could think of was how everything that had gone wrong in my life was his fault, and it wasn’t going to get better until he was gone. Just pull the trigger and it all ends. So I pulled that trigger, and it didn’t end. It got worse.